


Taako needs therapy

by scarecrowstories



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sibling Love, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 00:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20805872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarecrowstories/pseuds/scarecrowstories
Summary: Taako deals with being triggered. He's stuck in the emotions of the day he lost Lup, and he struggles to talk to his family about it. Mostly he cries and apologizes for not recovering from the ordeal more quickly, but they love him so they're patient and comforting and kind. An exploration of grief, and the quiet ways it sneaks up even years later.





	Taako needs therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't know what to call this piece, so just went with the immediate thought I had when I reread the whole thing before posting it. Spent a while on this one, folks. Grief is... strange. Please take care of yourselves.
> 
> This time's suggested listening is: The Arcadian Wild's "Rain Clouds"!

When Taako woke up, the breeze coming through the window was carrying a scent of change that made his stomach turn. Winter was releasing its grasp on the world, giving way to the hopeful rejuvenation of spring. Or it would be hopeful, it he wasn't suddenly nauseous with dread. Why? The few blissful moments before he'd taken a deep breath of that breeze he'd been content to lay in his husband's arms, shying away from facing the day. But the abrupt onset of abject terror gripping his heart made it impossible to think.

Jumping out of bed, his mind supplied only one thought: he had to find Lup. Kravitz was still lying in bed, groggy and reaching for the space where Taako had been. But he was already gone, running down the hall to knock frantically on his sister's door. He didn't want to barge in - he'd learned that lesson the hard way decades ago on the Starblaster - but he was impatient. He bounced on his feet as he waited, listening with his ear to the door as his heart raced. 

"Hey, Lulu, you in there?" he called out, hoping his panic wasn't audible. He heard shuffling around, some murmurs, before footsteps approached the door. His fear didn't subside until the door was open and he was greeted with her expression, half-asleep and concerned. The instant relief that flooded his veins almost made his legs give way as he threw his arms around her. "Oh, thank fuck," he said, shuddering.

"You okay?" she croaked, voice still raspy; she draped her arms around him as she yawned. "Bad dream?"

Taako shook his head, crushing Lup to his chest. "No, I dunno, I woke up and just, like… Suddenly it felt like the day you left again, and I just…" He kept his eyes clenched shut to hold back the tears, and wasn't paying attention to whatever she said to Barry over her shoulder. But before he knew it, she was leading him into the room and sitting him down on the edge of her bed.

Barry quietly slipped out, shutting the door as he left. As soon as they were the only two left in the room, Taako began to bawl. "I didn't know you were gone, Lulu, I thought you just wanted some space so I didn't wanna bother you, like, fuck, I know we all got like that sometimes, y'know? I didn't think I was never gonna see you again, I had no idea that you were in danger, and I feel so fucking stupid, and I hate thinking about it!" He was rambling, sobs catching in his throat as hiccups interrupted his words.

She wasn't awake enough to console him with words, and so settled on rubbing her hand soothingly down his back as he cried against her. She guided them down so that they were laying in the bed, which gave Taako the chance to more fully wrap himself around her.

"I'm so sorry," he kept repeating, crying for a long time while she tried to silently sooth him. When eventually his sobbing quieted down, he started to fidget - his telltale sign that he was coming back to himself and was uncomfortable with the amount of vulnerability he'd just displayed.

"Hey, Taako?" Lup said, only sounding marginally more awake.

"Yeah?"

"I love you. I know we don't say it a lot, but like, I really do love you. You're not to blame for what happened to me, okay? I chose to leave without telling anyone where I was going, even though I knew it was dangerous. I made that choice, Taako, not you, and not anybody else." She squeezed him once more before tilting his chin up so she could look at him more clearly. "Okay? So you don't have to apologize."

Taako sniffled, grimacing and looking away. "I just feel like such an asshole, y'know? Like, it feels like that day should have been some kind of terrible catastrophic whirlwind of piecing together clues to where you'd gone so we could all swoop in and save you. But instead I think I, like, just sat around outside reading a book?" He forced an empty laugh. "I remember making lunch and wondering if I should set out a plate for you for dinner. I remember Barry asking me if you'd told me where you went, and I said something stupid. But it didn't even occur to me that you might be gone."

"And did you have some kinda nightmare about it? Is that what brought this up?" Lup asked, trying her best to sound calm. She knew that if she sounded at all harsh or judgmental he would seize up; she needed to sound composed if she wanted to get any answers out of him. 

He thought about it for a moment. He'd felt peaceful when he woke up, so it couldn't have been a nightmare. Kravitz's arms were around him, and he'd felt safe and warm. The sun coming in through the window was a welcome sight after a string of rainy days. The breeze. 

"I dunno," he said, rolling away from her. "I'm sorry for bothering you, or whatever. I don't know what came over me. I can, like, go if you want."

"Taako, no," Lup tried, gently putting an arm over him. "I'm worried about you because you're my brother, dingus. And I hurt you by doing what I did. I know we already talked about it a bunch, and I know you aren't mad, but that doesn't mean you aren't hurt."

Taako nodded. He didn't want to say anything more right now, and that was fine by Lup. They laid there for a long while, with Taako facing away from Lup while she half-hugged him. Eventually, he stood up, thanked her, and walked out.

The next few days she thought he was acting strangely. He went from withdrawn and cold to clingy and desperately afraid, and could cycle between the two modes multiple times an hour at worst. It was like she was watching him come apart at the seams, but when pressed he offered no insight as to what was causing it. He insisted he didn't know; Lup was inclined to believe him.

At one point she came back from a Reaper mission to find him curled up on the floor of her bedroom, sobbing and pulling at his hair. She rushed to his side, gathering him up in her arms to comfort him. He clung to her like a child, weeping broken only by his intermittent apologies.

"I looked for you and you weren't here," he cried, digging his nails into her arms as he clenched his eyes shut, ears downturned. "It felt like you were gone." He buried his face in her chest and cried, letting Lup rock him gently until he calmed down.

"Didn't this happen about a year ago, too?" Kravitz asked softly, having followed in behind her. He sat on the floor next to the two of them, Taako dozing in Lup's arms after tiring himself out. "I wonder what's causing this."

Lup thought for a long moment, stroking Taako's hair. And then it hit her. "Krav, I think this is around the month I died." Gingerly, she stood, lifting her brother in her arms to deposit him onto the bed. He made weak sounds of protest, refusing to let go of her hand when she tried to move away. She sat down, grasping his hand between both of hers. "I don't know if he realizes. It might not be a conscious thing. I feel like he was telling the truth when he said he didn't know what was wrong."

"So something is subconsciously reminding him of losing you?" he asked, carefully sitting next to them both on the bed to grab Taako's other hand. "That doesn't surprise me. He really ought to see a therapist, all things considered."

"Too bad he hates the idea. I've tried to tell him before that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm pretty sure the rest of us are seeing someone, and like, that's not the least bit surprising. We've been through a lot." She sighed, rubbing her thumb along the back of Taako's hand. "He's too proud to open up like that, even after all this."

"What if I talk to him about it? Do you think he might be more receptive?" Kravitz whispered, eyes darting to Taako, who was slowly stirring awake on the bed. "Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked when Taako opened an eye in his direction.

Groaning, Taako took his hands back from them and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "I feel like shit." He let his head fall forward onto Lup's shoulder. "I'm sorry; I know I've been a real pain in the ass this last week. I dunno what's wrong, but I…" A heavy sigh. "I got nothing. I'm scared, I guess. It just feels like that day. Over and over again. And I know it's not! I know you're safe, and here, but it just feels… bad," he finished.

Kravitz and Lup exchanged a worried glance. "Is it okay if I ask you a question?" Lup started, hesitant. When Taako nodded, she quickly looked over to Kravitz again, who gave an encouraging smile. "Is it because this is around when I died?" As soon as she said that, Taako stiffened in her arms. "Because it is, y'know? Around that time, I mean. Just a few months before the second anniversary of our arrival here."

"I dunno," Taako muttered, shuffling awkwardly to lay his arms around her waist. "I don't wanna talk about it. Or think about it. Or anything at all about it, ever again." He was trembling. 

It broke Lup's heart to see him like this, and she felt responsible. And Kravitz, bless his heart, he looked like he was about to cry. "I get that, for sure," Lup comforted. "Nobody's gonna make you. But me and Kravitz, here? We love you. We want you to be happy and healthy and safe. So maybe just think about it like that?"

At that, Kravitz put a hand on Taako's knee to emphasize his presence. "If you don't know why you're having these breakdowns, don't you think that means you need to seek professional help?" Kravitz offered, trying to sound helpful instead of preachy. He didn't want it to seem like he was walking on eggshells, as Taako had a knack for sensing that kind of hesitation, nor did he want to push the matter excessively.

"What, like therapy?" Taako spat with a scoff. "Yeah right. You think they'll get what happened to us?"

"Well, not to nitpick, but everyone in this reality knows, like, most of the story. So…" Lup moved one of her hands to run her fingers through Taako's hair. "You know I see a therapist, right? Would you wanna maybe meet her some time just to talk for a bit? See if that's something you'd be into?"

Taako grumbled something that they didn't hear before sitting up more fully, pulling his hands back from the both of them as he brought his knees up to his chest. "Can't a guy just be scared about losing his sister? I don't see why that's so unusual that I should bother someone about it."

Sighing, Lup put her face in her hands. If he was going to insist on being stubborn, she knew there was nothing she could do. "Fine. Nobody can make you if you don't want to. But Taako? I think I get what's causing this, and I think it'll keep happening until you find a way to cope. If I seem annoyed right now, well, I am! I care about you and it hurts like hell seeing you so torn up about this! How do you think it makes me feel, huh?"

"Lup--" Kravitz started to caution, worried that this would escalate.

"Oh, how you feel? Right, because it's always about how you feel! I may not be mad that you left, Lulu, but I sure as hell am pissed that you didn't trust me enough to tell me! But it's always all about Lup's feelings, so Taako got left out in the cold!" Taako leapt from the bed and stormed out. 

"Taako, that's not what I meant and you know it!" she called after him. He slammed the door behind him, leaving her and Kravitz alone in the room; she sighed. "Well, fuck. Now he'll never talk about it."

Kravitz was fidgeting with his hands. "Should I go after him? You know him best, I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I'm really out of my depth here," he admitted.

Lup shook her head and waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine, Bone Boy. I'm the one who fucked up just now. If you do go check on him just, I dunno, be careful? He's gonna try to act all tough like he wasn't just sobbing his eyes out."

"What about you, though? Are you okay?" Kravitz asked. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. You're one of my dearest friends, Lup. And not just because I'm married to your brother."

That made her chuckle, faux-punching Kravitz on the arm. "Aw shucks, bud, you're not so bad yourself. Yeah, I'm okay, thanks. I feel like shit, but I'm okay. It's just, ugh, it's my fault, y'know? He'll never say it, but it is. If I hadn't done that, maybe Lucretia wouldn't have decided to do what she did." She shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "But I try not to overthink it. We did what we did, and that's that. What happened is done. Onward and upward from here, and all that, or whatever."

Kravitz stood, patting her on the shoulder. "Well, if you're sure you're okay, I'm going to check on him." He tried to smile warmly to reassure Lup, but he couldn't suppress his worry. "Do you need me to call Barry in here to sit with you?"

"Nah, thanks though, dude. I think I'm just gonna do some brooding. Never underestimate the power of a good brood." She flashed a peace sign at him and flopped over onto the bed. "But you can tell my stupid brother that if he wants to stop being stupid I'm here for him, even though he's stupid. Emphasis on the stupid. Out of love, naturally."

Chuckling, Kravitz walked toward the door. "Naturally." He paused with his hand on the door handle at the nearby sound of voices, glancing toward Lup. Standing still, he listened intently; it sounded like Taako and Barry were talking in the kitchen. "I think I hear him," he whispered just loud enough for Lup to hear.

The second he said that, Lup scrambled over, pressing her ear to the door to listen. They could faintly hear the conversation happening down the hall.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Taako sat at the kitchen table with Barry, who was in the process of making them tea.

"For real, though, she asked me if I'm feeling all fucked up because this is when she died, and I don't even know what to say! Like, I wasn't consciously thinking about it, like, oh, this is the month I lost my fucking sister! I avoid thinking about that shit!" Taako sighed in frustration, legs bouncing anxiously under the table.

"It's okay to still be hurting like this, y'know," Barry answered. "I know I am. Especially this time of year. I try not to put it on her, but she definitely knows. Because of the nightmares and stuff." Barry slid a cup across the table to Taako. "I don't think I'll ever be past it, personally."

"Right? Don't get me wrong, I try not to think about it but I'm deffo not over it!" A loud sniffle. "All I can think about is when you and I realized she wasn't coming back, and the panic. The fucking ice in my fucking veins." He took a sip of the tea, shaking his head. "If I could forget just one thing forever, it'd be that."

Barry sighed, placing a hand over Taako's. "I know, bud. Me, too. It probably sounds crazy to anybody else, but seeing the world end dozens of times was nothing compared to that."

"And shouldn't that be fucked up?" Taako bit back, gritting his teeth. "Shouldn't we feel like we're the assholes for that? Gods, it's so fucking stupid!" He slammed a fist on the table. "Ugh, sorry, Barold. But it helps knowing you're still fucked up about it, too. I thought it was just me. Which, like, okay, in hindsight that's dumb as hell."

"You're welcome," Barry said, amused and sympathetic.

Taako gulped down the rest of his tea. "It's cute that you think I was thanking you."

"Whatever you say," he teased back. He knew the twins well enough by now; Taako's snark was a defense mechanism against excessive vulnerability, and he had plenty of practice navigating it. "Why don't you go talk to Lup? I'm sure she's still worried."

"Tch. Yeah. I think I just want some space first, but yeah. If you see her, tell her to come knocking? Taako needs a nap."

Kravitz and Lup heard Taako shuffle past on his way down the hall, still listening intently as he closed his bedroom door. "So," Kravitz started, still keeping his voice low. "I guess that's my cue to go have a hushed conversation with your husband."

Nodding, Lup shooed him out. "Tell me what he says before I go talk to Taako?"

"Of course." Kravitz crept down the hall and waved to Barry to greet him, holding a finger to his lips. When he sat down, Barry glanced around nervously. "I heard you talking to Taako," Kravitz started.

"Yeah? He seemed pretty messed up about an argument?" Barry sighed and sipped more of his tea. "The twins don't fight often, but when they do, it's usually like this. What happened?"

Kravitz was still fidgeting with his hands; had he even stopped, he wondered? "You've noticed he's been a bit off the last few days, right?"

"Well, yeah, this is when Lup died. We both get kinda fucked up around this time."

Of course Barry had connected it before he or Lup had. "You knew? He's been insisting he has no idea what's gotten into him! Lup only just put it together!"

Avoiding his eyes, Barry smiled sadly. "Of course I knew. My whole world ended that day. When I woke up and she was gone, I had a bad feeling. I figured I was being paranoid. But I asked Taako if she'd slept with him, and he said no, and I… Well, I knew she was gone." He angrily wiped at tears. "Of course we told ourselves she had to be out there, but I think Taako knew, too. But for me it was more literal. We're connected by the magic that made us liches. And I couldn't feel her anymore, Krav." Sniffling, Barry moved to bring his teacup to the sink. "Sorry for dumping that on you. But yeah, I knew."

"What can I do to help?" Kravitz immediately answered. He didn't want to put Barry on the spot and make him feel awkward for sharing something so personal; there would be time for that later, after making sure his husband was okay. "It's killing me to see him like this."

"Sorry, Krav, I dunno if there's anything you can do. I know for me it usually passes once summer's in full swing. Since we, y'know, spent all spring searching for her. But it passes." Barry shrugged, leaning against the counter and still avoiding Kravitz's eyes. "Just be there for him. But don't push him. He hates that."

Feeling at a loss, Kravitz thanked Barry, reported to Lup, and went to check on Taako. They agreed that Lup would give the two of them time before coming to apologize. Kravitz knocked first, only entering their bedroom when he heard a muffled invite. "Hey, can I come in?" he asked, gentle as he could muster. Without waiting for an answer, he walked to where Taako was laying on the bed and sat beside him. "I love you, Taako," he said. 

"I know," Taako said, muffled by the pillow his face was buried in. 

"Nobody expects you to stop hurting," he started, cautiously taking Taako's hand into his own. "We all want to be here for you to help you through the pain, but we don't expect you to magically feel better, okay?"

"I know," Taako repeated, squeezing Kravitz's hand. 

Kravitz hoped he wasn't talking too much, but he wanted to be sure that he was conveying what he felt. He sighed. "Lup is just frustrated because she hates knowing she's the one who hurt you. You understand that, right? She's not mad that you're still upset, she's mad that it's her fault." He reached down to brush a lock of hair behind Taako's ear. "She also wanted me to tell you that she's here for you to talk to whenever you decide to, and I quote, 'stop being stupid,' which she wanted me to emphasize is out of love."

That got a chuckle out of him. Taako rolled onto his back and gave Kravitz a teary smile. "She's incredible, isn't she? And she was gone for so long, and I had no idea. That hurts the most. I get it, though, y'know? Lucretia wasn't thinking about how much it would hurt to remember, only how much better it would feel to forget." He sniffled. "Can I tell you some stuff? I don't wanna, like, be that guy who just goes on and on about my feelings, that ain't typically my style, but I think an exception could be made for a fella like you."

That was the Taako he knew and loved. Kravitz nodded. "Of course, love. What's on your mind?"

Taako took a deep breath, letting his arm fall across his face to hide his eyes. "She was all I ever had, Krav. When we lost our parents, when the rest of our 'family' got sick of us, when we were starving on the streets… No matter what we lost, we had each other. No matter where we went, we were together. Even with the Institute." He paused, bottom lip trembling. "We agreed it was all or nothing. Either we both went on this mission or neither of us went. We were so fucking excited."

"Of course you were," Kravitz agreed, hoping his tone sounded encouraging rather than patronizing.

"Right? Like, holy shit, what a cool opportunity, and we were just, like, barely adults by elf standards. Obvs we crushed the whole Academy portion of it, you know we did because we're so wicked smart and stuff. But nothing could have prepared any of us." Taako sat up, letting his head fall against Kravitz's chest. "You know the rest. Fucking wild shit. But we still had each other through it all. And then it was over. And then she was gone."

There was silence for a few minutes while Kravitz stroked Taako's hair, holding still while his husband shook in his arms. He didn't want to push and wind up chasing him away, no matter how much he wanted to insist that Taako let it all out. He knew that Taako would when he was ready.

"Is that weird?"

"What?"

"That everything in my head is divided between before Lup disappeared and after. Losing her during the mission hurt, but we always knew we'd come back so it was fine. I mean, okay, it wasn't fine holding her in my arms as she bled out or whatever, but we knew it was temporary. But the last time?" He let out a rough laugh. "The first time in over a hundred years that the loss actually fucking mattered. I dunno if I’m really getting my point across; you had to be there, I guess."

"Is that why you were talking to Barry before?"

Taako froze. "Yeah," he admitted. "He gets it. But I want you to get it too, my man, of course I do. Because I love you, and you know that, so I'm trying."

"Of course," Kravitz assured, pressing a kiss to Taako's forehead. "Is it okay if I go get Lup? If you're ready to talk to her?" When Taako nodded, Kravitz kissed him again and left the room to make way for Lup, who was waiting in the hallway. She gave him a nervous thumbs up as she strode past and into the bedroom.

For a long while the two of them sat in silence, side by side. It was nice, Taako thought. Just having her by his side eased the fear gripping his heart. He could see that she was safe, that she was alive. It meant more than anything else ever could.

"I missed you, you know," Lup finally said, keeping her voice soft. "In the umbrella. I couldn't tell how much time passed. You could've broken it the second you found me and I would've had no idea if I'd been in there for minutes or days or years."

Taako snorted a laugh. "Uhh, except I wouldn't have known who you were, you goof."

She blew a raspberry. "I'm just sayin'! I hated knowing you were out there looking for me. I hated imagining how scared you must have been. It hurt so much knowing that you were suffering because of me." She was still avoiding his gaze as she bumped her head on his shoulder affectionately. "So to see you still suffering because of that? It fucking sucks, dude."

He nodded, letting his head rest atop hers. "Yeah, I get you. But for real? I think you were right before. I try so hard not to think about it, but the part of me that can't forget this is when you died won't stop freaking out." He let out a shaky sigh. "And it makes me really get what Lucretia did. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fuckin' furious that she took you away from me and I don't think I'll ever forgive her, but I get why she did it."

They were quiet again for a few minutes while Taako ruminated on what he'd just said. The topic of whether or not he would forgive Lucretia was generally avoided, but it felt relevant enough to warrant consideration. His hurt and his anger were born from the same source: love. He wouldn't have been so hurt by Lup's loss if he didn't love her so strongly, and Lucretia wouldn't have gone to such extremes to save him from that hurt if she didn't love him, too. 

"Can I apologize again?" Lup asked. In the handful of years since the day of Story and Song she had already apologized countless times. It never stopped feeling so raw and vulnerable and panic-inducing.

"No. I don't want apologies. I just want you to be here." 

"I can do that. I promise you won't lose me ever again."

Taako nodded, tears in his eyes as he looked over at his sister. He thought back to the last conversation they had before she disappeared. How she had thanked him, how she had said that he was her heart. How every day until his memories were erased, her smile as she went off to bed was burned into his mind, her words on loop in his head. He should have known she was up to something, should have guessed, should have stopped her.

"Hey, I'm here, okay?"

When had he started crying again? He let himself be pulled into her arms. The breeze coming in through the window scattered any semblance of composure he'd managed to gather. Its scent was just like that day, its temperature carrying the softening chill of spring. It should have warmed him to his core, feeling the world breathe again. Instead his bones froze deeper than any winter.

He let Lup comfort him, even though his pride demanded that he push her away. He allowed himself to be cared for in the way he had all but forgotten. The war in his brain between whether this was familiar and allowed or foreign and forbidden was raging anew, as it always was when the two halves of himself collided. The Taako who had forgotten Lup ever existed couldn't accept this; but the Taako who knew better craved it.

He took deep breaths of that spring air, swallowing down the fear bubbling in his chest. He drunk in Lup's warmth, let it calm the panic in his veins. Though every inch of him was screaming that everything felt like when he lost her, he tried to focus on the moments after he got her back. 

The sound of her voice for the first time in a decade, the sweetest sound he'd ever heard. How it felt to stand back to back, fighting against the Hunger. That night, sitting under the stars and talking, laughing, crying joyously. And of course the day she got her new body, how warm and solid she felt in his arms. How he could hold her now, and experience that grounding sensation again and again.

Lup was alive. And so was he. Taako knew it would take a long time to truly heal, but time was something they'd always been blessed with in excess. 

And outside, the sun was shining. 

And outside, the birds were singing. 

The day went on, and Lup was here.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I make Taako's trauma trigger the same change of season thing as mine? You bet your ass I did, it's always projection-o-clock in this household. If this made you feel some sort of way, let a fella know. Stay safe out there, friends.
> 
> Also uhhh sorry the Lupcretia ficlets are coming more slowly, I.... can only promise that I'm genuinely working on it.... in between my other half dozen wips....


End file.
